Her life was indeed, a tale of woe. In 1967 at the tender age of 3 she was diagnosed with a "rare at the time" kidney disorder. Life for her became a ritual of Doctors, hospitals, surgery and pain.
By the age of 5 she knew a bitter reality of separation from God. She "knew" the definition of pain physically, mentally and spiritually. Yet she was so full of life, so filled with the love of her creator!
She refused to accept her sentence and would, for the next 39 years fight for her life in the chaotic earthly world of Modern Medicine.
Her mother was good to her; she loved her dearly and took great care of her when she was sick. But through the years, her ability to protect her beautiful child waned in the shadow of the underlying disease that plagued their family.
Soon the child would learn the bitter pangs of abuse, the most horrific kind. The next 8 years of her childhood were filled with horror, anger, hate and fear.
The very hand that brought this tiny light into the world was the very hand that nearly extinguished the precious light that was her every breath!
By the age of 13, she had finally found the courage to tell the truth, in hopes it would save her baby sister from knowing the same pain as she. Then she took a deep breath and walked away, never once looking back.
Time as we know it passed by, yet inside this now grown woman brewed all the pain and anger she couldn’t seem to forget. Her memories and focused emotions had stolen her joy and put out the light that once shined so brightly within her. She had not yet remembered that the Divine power to heal herself was within her very being and that all she had to do to find it was just LET GO.
The right kidney finally succumbed, its fight was over. Would she have enough strength? enough breath to hang on? Would the left kidney hold its own or quietly follow suit of its lost twin? Only time as it is known would tell.
By and By her health deteriorated thus beginning the next battle of her life. Each day was a struggle, filled with pain and fear. Each day, the question "WHY" bore holes from her heart straight to God's.
In her loneliness she wrote these words…
Why I can’t forget the pain
I’ll never understand
Decades have passed since that little girl
Reached out her helpless hand
Yet, the memory lives on in me
Like it happened yesterday
The harder I try
To put it behind
All the more does my spirit decay
I only wish it were harder
To recall each vivid scene
Not just when I am wide awake
But also in my dreams
It seems unfair that time allows
Such terror to remain
For then all progress we achieve
Appears to be in vain
Courage I need
To face the Demon
Living in my head
Myself alone cannot it fight
I need all the help you’ll provide
Help me fight this
My strength has wilted away
I need a reason for waking up
To face the light of day
I also need to ask of you
Please heal my tainted heart
All these years
I’ve allowed the pain to tear my life apart.
Even though I’m all grown now
The child inside remains
Reaching out her helpless hand
Still bound by locks and chains
Please free me from the memories
That haunt me to this day
All I ask within this prayer
Is please take away the pain
The pain and anger she had carried deep inside of her had finally taken it's last toll. By 1991 her body had withered to a mere 88 pounds. Food became her enemy. Her body was shutting down and rejecting the very nourishment it needed to survive.
The day finally arrived, the dreaded words were spoken. The very words that plagued her life with fear were now being heard...
"I’m so sorry but it appears your kidney is failing at a rapid rate of speed and by our calculations you have a year left at best before you’ll need Dialysis to survive."
"What?!!" She cried! "Not the "D" word!! Not yet!! I’m not ready!!" she wailed!
Her family and friends knew that for this woman they so dearly loved "THAT" meant a death sentence. She always told them that there will be NO machines to hold her here. "No more heroics."
"13 operations is enough" she told them on more than one occasion. "I am tired and ready to go home to God where there is no pain and suffering, only love." This time however, was different. This was indeed, a sad day for them all!
The family began doting over her and looking at her with "different eyes" till something inside her snapped!
"STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT! Enough!" she cried!! "Just stop right now! This is MY body, MY life, so PLEASE.. stop trying to live it for me!"
On that note, she gathered her things and got into her car and drove away. She needed time to think, time alone with God. She had to search for the rest of herself she knew she had lost along the way. So she moved to a city an hour away from all she knew and loved.
Once the dust settled, the reality that seemed so real and so hopeless had begun to make its way into her vision. And much to her surprise, she did NOT give in!! Oh, quite the contrary! She began to fight back with vengeance. She began seeking answers and mostly seeking God. She found the courage to fight for the healing that she knew in her heart she deserved.
She began to "SEE" herself whole and healthy. Happy and joyous in her heart and she simply ignored EVERYTHING ELSE… As if it was all a dream!!!
She then began thanking God for her miracle with 100% trust that it was already so! Each moment of now she thanked God with every emotion in her being. She cried THANK YOU GOD for every moment that there was a moment! That there was a breath! That there was no pain, even if the moment was only the blink of an eye, she gratefully took each moment as if it were a lifetime and the only moment left on earth for her!
She "SAW" herself perfect, just as her brother Jesus would see her if he were standing before her… WHOLE!
An Earth Angel was led to her, and told her to go within her heart and really love her kidney, ask it what is wrong, and listen. Then forgive it and herself and she could let it all go.
The woman realized, once she remembered the truth that "Love Is All There Is" and that no pain or sickness can possibly exist in the real love of God, that all the pain and suffering is a choice she was responsible for creating, that the anger and hate she had carried inside was the very pollution that created and planted the seed of illness within her in the first place. It was a by-product of her own self image!!!
Here in the old paradigm 3D illusion of time and space all the negativity she had put out focusing her attention on pain and suffering, on being a helpless victim, she unknowingly created the experience of "soaking up the toxins" here in this earth realm. She believed that the pain of abuse and dis-ease was her identity, she believed that is who she was, a sick helpless victim, not realizing that the angrier and more distraught she allowed herself to become by focusing on it, she was accepting more of the very experiences she so desperately wanted to forget. And thus, her body got sick and stayed sick till every memory, every feeling, every belief she ever had about the story of her life was released ~ Forgiven!
Slowly each day she purposely focused only on the real, the whole of herself, thanking God for each and every breath of life that was hers. She began to see the wondrous daylight at the end of a long dark tunnel. With each ray of light she began to see in herself the true reflection of god's love that she is. Her once weak and shriveled 88 pound body thrived, then her life changed.
With each "THANK YOU GOD" that she uttered, she grew stronger. With each breath, as she ACCEPTED the love of God and the perfect being she has always been, she got better.
Her miracle had finally come!
She claimed her birthright of Perfection in God's eyes and she became "THAT" regardless of what she saw, felt or heard around her! She refused to accept anything but the sweetness of god's love.
Today?? well today, a little over a year after being told the end was near, that feisty young Lass is healthy, whole and knows NO PAIN! She lives and breathes the love of God that she is. She has realized her true self, LOVE… it’s all there is!
She will never know pain and suffering, anger or hate again, for she has found her home as the light of God and has given her life to the love and service of all god's children so they ALL may find their way home, to themselves, and the powerful beings of love they are!
The love of God that we ALL are and have ALWAYS BEEN!
How do I know all this you ask??
I AM, that feisty Love Filled Lass
and GONE... are the days of "Shattered Glass"
2005 Dorene Cash aka YaMaEL,
The Golden Dragon Goddess